Changes is inevitable.
It will never end; it is the only thing that will remain constant.
2012 is the year of changes for me, it could also be called as my awakening year.
There are so many things that I am thankful for (I'll save it for my yearly post) and so many things that has been changed.
One of the big changed was delivered to me last Tuesday. It was unexpected to say the least. I found it funny that every time something so big happened, my whole system is filled with anxiety instead of giddy happiness that you could see my poker nervous expression. I would really think that my team lead and team mate are wondering why I'm not as crazy as I am when I received good news from fandom.
After two years from my current role, I have now the opportunity to take a technical role. It won't be easy, especially for me who stop reading and analyzing codes for more than 3 years but I never expect it to be. Like what I always said before, hard work pays off and I can a new battle cry now, everything can be learned.
I was afraid, I will not deny this fact. Afraid of so many what if's that's been dancing to my mind but I won't be able to surpass them if I wouldn't try right? I remember one quote from last year self searching, it goes with this, Fearless is not the absence of fear, it is being terrified but you decided to do it anyway.
This coming November, I know I will experience so many crazy and stressful days. I know I will be consume by this, but I am excited and afraid at the same time. There are no successful people who doesn't feel any failure or frustrations. Like what one of my favorite song says, There will always be rainbows after the rain. And for us to see a beautiful rainbow, we must surpass the crazy storm first.
Honestly, even I said this things to myself over and over again. My heart and mind cannot be ease. I actually talked to my friends within this week, and I really wanted to thank them.
My bestfriend said that I can do it, she said that I always push myself to the limits which is the reason why I keep on expanding.
My self declared kuya told me that I am a very talented person, that it would be a waste if I wouldn't use it. Actually I wanted to really thank him because he always pushed me to be better.
Another closed friend said that the Ellen he know is not a quitter.
Another one said that I am the always Ms I can do it.
Hearing those words from them give me courage that what ever I do, I can do it because I've done it before and I can always do it if I just convince myself.
I've been paralyzed by what if's and fears for two years. It's up to me again if I wanted to continue being my own prisoner. I am insecure, I know it. But I slowly realized that up to when am I going to be insecure? People who doesn't seek cure for their illness will forever be ill until they are consumed by it. I may not know what I wanted to do now, but I am certain that I do not want to look back years from now and see myself on the same place.
I am only 21, there are so many things that will happen if I only let myself experience this. I am the only one hindering myself to grow and I will not do it anymore. I realized lately that I should welcome change with open heart. It doesn't matter if the ride will be bumpy or crazy, because I know at the end of the day it's another experience, another life to my years.
I can do this! Whatever it is, Ellen will not give up :)
AJA! FIGHTING!
I think this crazy picture of mine is perfect for this melo-dramatic entry.
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