We’re just friends.

We’re just friends.

I still remember the first time I said this.

We are on our PE class and waiting for our teacher to return when one of our classmate tease us because your helping me tie the lace of my shoe again, and being the hot tempered me, I shouted it to end the unnecessary noise that they are creating.

We were high school sophomores back then.

We’re just friends.

I blurted this again five years after that PE incident, and this time I was announcing it to the whole drama club with my hands on the air after they create a fuss when I was running to hug you because I saw a mouse near the stage.

My temper doesn’t change much after some years, and after letting them tagged as us their official love team, I have this feeling that I needed to clarify things to them.

We were college juniors then.

We’re just friends.

I said these words again but this time in a drunken state.

A high school friend even has a video of me saying this like a song, repeating it over and over again on a tune only I can decipher.

You we’re holding and pacifying me again as always.

I really can’t remember what happened after; all I know is that I wanted them to realize that we are just friends, nothing more, nothing less so I made a foolish attempt and sing that line all over again.

We are on our first year after college graduation, a first official high school get together that I really messed up.

We’re just friends.

Two years ago, and this is the phrase I consistently said to my officemates who also consistently asking me if we’re an item.

And every time I said this, they never believe me. They often told me that I’m in denial, no friends will consistently fetch a friend who works a city away just to driver her home.

Aside from being hot tempered, my pushy trait doesn’t change as well so I always ask you to tell them we’re just friends. Really just friends.

We are three years on the field then.

We’re just friends.

I also remember the first time I heard you say that phrase voluntarily.

I didn’t know what to feel then. That time, I prove that it’s really possible to feel an imaginary heart attack. You know you’re heart is still beating but it doesn’t feel like it is. You are okay, but in your head you need someone to call an ambulance or you will die.

That happened two years ago, when we are at the mall and we bump to this pretty lady.

We’re just friends.

6 months after the mall incident, I said this.

These familiar words that I keep saying repeatedly over the years felt strange when I said it that day. It feels like my favorite candy is now cutting my mouth, but I can’t throw it because the person who give it to me is looking really hopeful. That’s how I feel that day, these words that I am familiar with feels like a knife coming out from my system that cutting me when I said this, but I cannot keep quiet when you look at me and begging to clear the misunderstanding I unintentionally created.

The pretty lady saw me bear hugging you on your living room while burying my face on your back like I usually does when I feel sad, and she read it as what the ordinary people see. Not so friendly like.

You immediately untangled my hands and said clear the misunderstanding, and that end from me saying that phrase so sincerely that I fooled even myself.

They really are ‘just’ friends.

I heard this couple of times today, and for the first time after a long time I wanted to be the hot temper girl again who doesn’t can say things she wanted to say.

That pushy young lady who will get the answer or words I wanted to hear.

It’s been a year from the time I realized that we are not ‘just’ friends, I feel more than that and I am the only one to blame why we never get out of that zone.

The fool me who never look at you after I said that phrase or get that phrase out of your mouth to prove my point.

The fool me who was so afraid to lose you when the more than friends phase came so I opt to choose not rock our friendship boat and  unintentionally persuade you to do the same because I let you feel that we can only have a smooth sailing both, or a river that could drown us. No sailing against the wind or using a life jacket that will ensure us to reach the shore.

And from that foolishness, it brings us here; it finally brings me here, to the place I keep on mentioning.

See! We’re just friends.

I ended my sweet speech with this, as I hold my wine glass and asking everyone for a toast to celebrate the engagement of my dear friend and the pretty lady.

The wine taste bitter, and I love how it sympathize with what I feel now.

This is the last time I will said this, the last time in which I have the rights to tell people about this.

Nothing left for the two us but just be friends.