Yesterday, April 24, 2012 was a very sad day for my family. My Lola Rosa passed away. After a year of battle, a week at the hospital she finally bid goodbye to us.
Last Sunday, I dreamed of her. On that dream, I heard the news that she died,and they already buried her without me. I remember crying in hysteria and keep saying Lola. I woke up crying. I think that is her way of saying I shouldn't go on my Baguio trip this weekend. Then come Monday, I was on my way home when I suddenly remember her and I started crying, that is unusual because whenever I think of her, I remember how strongwilled she is. With that moment, I suddenly think that maybe God will get her soon, and its her way of saying I should be okay. I think, those two days is her way of saying goodbye, and a reminder that I should be strong.
When I woke up yesterday, my cousin told my sister that our lola passed away. I don't cry in an instant, on my mind i know that I already expected it. My Lola readied me on this news. But when I was walking to my mom, tears slowly falling. So when my mom asked me if I will buy a dress for her, I instantly say yes and never doubt that I will buy her a new dress. My Lola loves new clothes from me, she always says that I am nice and she loves me so much. I immediately went to my Tita and told her that I will buy Lola a new dress, I saw the old white dress of my lola and I told my Tita that my lola won't be wearing that torn white dress. She deserved better.
I go home , get dressed and woke up my brother. During that time, tears falls. My brother told me not to cry, its better this way. Atleast our grandmom finally find peace and she is already with God. He also told me that our Lola feel how much we love her when she's still alive. That reasoning makes me relax, and somehow I stop the falling tears. My brother told me that my little sister is crying while waking him up earlier.
My Mom and I went to buy a nice pair of dressed for her. My mom told me that when she wake up yesterday, around 5:00 AM she heard someone opening our gate. She immediately checked it because she think my father finally went home, but when she checked, it's still locked. My mom said that she thinks my Lola went home, when she was stronger she always opened our gate and checked for my dad. That story alone makes me cry on the jeepney, I know its stupid but my tearducks can't help it.
Its around 5:00 when my Lola's coffin arrived on the small chapel on our area. My three cousins looks at her, she looks so lovely actually. Its the first time I saw her with make-up one, and if she's still alive, she will be very happy at that. My cousins silently cry while looking at her, that time, my tears starts to fall too. I saw my sister crying on myside. I feel so sad on that moment, my 9 yrs old sister was one of the people who always watched my lola. She and my cousin Darwin are the one who always talks to her, and ask whether she's okay. My sister always remember to buy a diaper for her whenever we went to supermarket. and she always told me how her day with Lola. I don't spend much time looking at my grandmom because tears keeps on falling.
I know my Lola Rosa doesnt want to see me cry. I remember I was 8 years old and my mom disciplined me with a hanger. I was crying so much and go to her, she told me not to cry because I won't look so pretty. My Lola is the one who listen to my stories growing up. She's so proud whenever I gave her my new set of powerpuff drawing and praised me. She's my secret confidant.
I used to be alone before, because of things that going to my family. There was the time when I attended my first Girls Scout oath taking, and my parents can't attend because of reasons I cannot remember. I wanted to cry because I am the only Girls Scout out there who doesnt have any one with. Before I left our house and be a thirdwheel on my friend and her parents, I saw my lola dressed in simple duster. She told me that she will come with me because she will never missed the opportunity to see me saying my promises to be a good scout. I was crying after that because I know that my lola cared for me, and i thank her deeply.
Growing up, there are things that I understand about my family. There are times when I felt so neglected by her. There are times when I saw her caring more about her favorite grand children. But nevertheless, whenever I remember those time when no one wants to listen to me, she's there encouraging me to tell tales. There is a time when I promise her that i will be great, and she doesn't even think twice to believe in me.
Seeing her lying on that coffin always brings tears to my eyes. Seeing her old bed, and how she love the chocolates I bring her makes me want to bawl. But I don't think she will look that. I know right now she's looking at me, she's checking each of her family. And I wanted the world to know how much I love her. And if there is one fault she have, it is loving her family too much.
Lola, I know that I will still cry at night remembering so many things about you, but always remember that I am crying because I'll miss you and I am happy that finally you are with Papa God's side.
Please guide Papa ha :) You know naman how much we cared for him. Love you Lola, till the time we see each other again , promise I'll still bring lots of chocolates:D I'll be forever your little Jane :)
