Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

I went to church a while ago and its homily says "Learned from your 2009, welcome your 2010 with hopes". Actually i already have a plan to create this blog entry before 2010, but i got so busy on the last day of 2009 so i think its alright to make it now :)

What is 2009 for me?

Actually i think it WASNT a LUCKY YEAR for me, with all the personal, friendship and academe problems that i faced, i cant say that it was a good year. But i really cant say that it was a bad year because there are so many things that made me a better me, (if ever i become one).

To be honest, this is the only year as fas as i remembered that i face academe problem, ever since my younger days, this part of my life is the one I'm really proud of. I start going to school at the age of 3, finished my high school studies at 15 and soon to graduate at 18. Even though i didnt get any highest academe award, i do belong to the top of the class and top of the school. I didnt have any failed subjects and always graduates on time. But this year, something bad happened, me and my group mates got deferment, meaning we will not be able to graduate on time and extend one more term to finished the thesis, the good thing about it, it will never reflect on our college academic records. I dont know how many tears i and my friends shed for that unwanted event. That's also the first time i saw one of my friend/group mate cry, she is not the type to cry easily but that day, she silently cry while we are both in the chapel. Another sad thing about the deferment, our barkada was waiting outside, trusting and hoping that we will pass, but we didn't. That's the first time people wait outside for our group because they wanted to not just because they were the next group to defend. I remember i don't know how to face them and says we got deferment and a single shed of tears wasn't visible to my face. The deferment really gives pain to me and my friends, even our teachers got sad when they knew the result, most of them asked "what happened to the four of you". All of them expect that we will pass, even our own selves hopes that we will pass.

That's not the only sad thing happened, i ended a friendship with someone this year. I didnt think about it now a days but i think i need to include it here. That's the first time i ended friendship with someone and treat that friendship is a part of my stupidity. There's so much drama on this part and i don't want to elaborate it. Actually it wasn't the only friendship problem that i faced, there's one time that the cog family faced a lot of drama.There's a plan to leave the group because he don't want to break our council family. There's the silent treatment that trigger that plan.There's the also the time when we blame someone from the foursome and causes sometime to sulk, which i cant blame her because I'm guilty with that event.There was someone who collapsed for being chuperhero, and had an amnesia (lol). There was even a time when i don't want to talk to my best friend because i felt that she wasnt my best friend from before. I should also say that this year is my most emotional and stupid year that i ever experienced.

This year also let me experienced depression, that i became so fearful to do anything. I suddenly feel that i cant do anything right so its better if i wouldny do anything. I cry every night because of what had happen on thesis, i cried because its difficult for me to accept what had happen. I felt that i brought every one down, my family, my friends who had faith in me, my councilor, the NGO whom became the bridge for my scholarship. There was even a time when i don't want to go outside the house because everything's reminds me of past plans i build hoping that i will graduated this October, that didn't happen, the promises i made to myself. What had happen makes me lose my self confidence. I also became super sensitive regarding friendship, especially to my high school friends. Theres one time when i want to be with them and planned to asked them who i am way back in high school so that i can told myself to go back from that person. But maybe they think i am too strong or i am just being silly again, that's why they didn't notice that i feel bad. I didn't go to their home like the way im used to do because i suddenly felt that I'm tired wandering around just to say hi but they didn't do that to me.I decided not to share what i am experiencing to them nor say went to their homes and say hi. Theres a time when one of my high school friend told me that they feel bad because i didnt give time to them, I just snicker and let him thinks what he wants, but inside im being hurt. They didn't even wonder what's happening to my life, and they even feel bad towards me. I really what had happen to me that time. It seems that I'm really lost which i really am.

2009 was really a tough year for me, i became really emotional and stupid regarding my actions and my decision. But if i will think again, i couldnt say that it was a bad year for me, because this year helps me became a better person.

Before i faced those things, i knew before that they weren't easy, but i dont know how not easy they can be.

When i faced the deferment problem, i suddenly feel that our teachers really believed my group, they never even thinks we will have any problems. I feel happy inside because i realized that our teacher remember me and my friends in a good way. That day when i went home, i really cry really hard and dont know how to face my parents. When i told them the news, my mother got angry with me (who wouldnt) so after her speech, i ran to my bed and cry really hard. I didn't know my father follows me and he hugged me, he said that its okay and everyone else makes mistakes, its good that i experienced failure when i am not on the top of everything because at this early stage, i already experienced it and will give me another wise perspective. At that time, i really cried harder because that's the first time in almost 6 or 7 years my father console me again, and again i am his little girl. Even though i often got angry with him, i cant deny the fact that i missed the days when he used to console me because my mom got angry due to my spoiled antics. He even said that its okay, I've always been a good daugther for them ever since, and what had happen is part of life that i need to know to be a better person. He even explained that my mother wasnt angry with me, we both know that she's like that. After that little talk with my father, along with my sister who also hugged and console me. I was happy inside, because i know my family is always there for me, and for once i find again the father i do missed for years. It also felt funny when my mother defend my deferment to the people whom wondering why i wouldnt graduate on time.
Though i really feel bad about the deferment, it also nice to know that there are peoples who really believe me and thinks that i am strong. Experiencing it makes me realized that it wasnt really bad to get a not so good grades because the people whom love me really love me for who i am. I also understand now the feeling of being left out (graduation) which i am really curious before, though it's far from good, it wasnt really bad.

The deferment makes me also realized that i missed being at home, without being so busy. I am at home watching everyone doing their everyday routine, at home sitting in front of the computer doing nothing and leave every time i want. I suddenly realized that time for three years, i've been so busy with college life that i didnt notice that i am just at home physically but my mind is still busy. It feels refreshing to cook for them and wash dishes again, making house hold chores feels nice as well. With so much time on my hand, i realized that i do miss my family so much.

2009 makes me realized that its wasnt hard to end a friendship that wasn't worth of my time and effort. I learned to value myself more and thinks about my own sake. I shouldnt keep a one sided friendship because it wasnt a friendship anymore. I shouldnt trust to much because there are people who arent trustworthy. Actually, i also feel glad about 2009 because it shows me my bad sides that i acquire over the years. It makes me look on my past and realized that i really changed so much, some of them are good, and some of them are bad, which i want to change again. I also realized that people around you wont need you like the way you used to, but it doesn't mean they value you less. There are just time when they learned to be stronger and need to be alone. Like what one of the quotes i love, Trees are planted far from each other so they can grow and be mature.

Last year (2009), what really makes me happy is i found another family with the council. Though we really had fun on 2008, 2009 became the test year, and im so glad that they are with me when i am experiencing such bad luck. Actually i don't know how will i survive those events if i am not with them. If i am not laughing with them and being crazy, maybe up to now i am still depressed. They play a great role on my coping part. Actually they also taught me how to let go of my usual self. I am not that funny when i was on high school, i am talkative but never be as crazy as i am right now. The council taught me that it's really okay if you are being laugh at, its even funny if you laugh at your self. I learned that its okay to show who really i am because they show who really they are. Being with them makes me realized that i am still lucky because i still got them by my side. I also realized that looks can be deceiving. Even though one of the members looks like a goon, he is really a wise and mature guy that will tell you when you did something wrong. My mind became corrupted because of them aswell T_T haha. Because of the council, i learned to take things more lightly and i know that its better to be teased about something than keep everything in your self.

P.S. I also celebrate my debut this year and so happy when i got a small party for it!

I just remember last dec 28 when i read my 2010 astrological prediction ( i am a piecesian) that the year 2009 wasnt a lucky year for me, and actually it wasnt..haha T_T That time i really don't believe it because they always says that i am lucky, and i really believe that. But after what happened, i knew they (who ever makes the predictions) are right. But despite what had happen, i am happy that i've got the change to experience such troubles, because my perspective became wider XD

I hope that 2010 will be a lot better for me, and there are more adventures for my beloved council XD

*Ang haba haba nito, di ko na chineck ang grammar ko..hahahahaha*