I have this hobby, that some people will not understand, hence they will judge me because of this.
Some of my friends call me nuts for spending time watching, reading, researching and sometimes weeping over them, when in reality they didn't know me personally, nor know my existence, they just know me as their 'fan'.
Its been three years from the time I accept that I am a fangirl :)
I spend sometime watching my favorite stars, I listen and memorize lyrics that I don't even understand.
I buy Albums that I will only play once.
I buy merchandise with hard earned savings.
Yes I maybe crazy.
But they are making me happy.
Everytime I watch Running Man and Shinhwa Broadcast in wee hours, I cry heartily and somehow escape the reality.
There are times when an ice cream or hug cannot comfort nor make me smile, but just an hour watching them, i suddenly forgot the reason why I'm upset.
To others, this are meaningless things, a non-sense. But for fangirls like me, this is a part of our life where we can be crazy without anyone will judge because your level of craziness are the same.
Fangirling makes me happy.
And It doesnt matter what others will say to me :)

There is a guy who I valued the most way back in College.

This guy is someone who I can say that I loved before, and somehow will always affects me, atleast for now.

He's my friend for 5 years, a best friend actually.

Before I thought that we could be friends forever, but as we grow, things change.

There is a point in time when I cannot understand him, he explain himself, and I feel tired for always understanding him.

Maybe if you will listen to my story, you can feel that I am victimized, but that's just one side of a coin. The other side is something I don't know who can share except him.

Our friendship got some stain, and we suddenly drift apart.

Things somehow patch up last year, and we start to talk again.

I maybe demanding, for wanting him to explain his side.

I maybe narrow minded, for not restarting our friendship and somehow hold grudges for him.

Sometimes I hate myself for being so tactless and blunt whenever I don't feel like talking. This is one changes I bet he didn't foresee, because for him, Ellen never change. Ellen is still the same childish Ellen he used to know.

I said something so blunt and thoughtless to him, I asked him what he needs from me and said straight to him that he just called me whenever he needs something. This is true, atleast from what I see, but I shouldnt have said it so bluntly.

And now, I leave some message for him on facebook. I said sorry, and wanting to restart our friendship. I maybe stupid for doing that, but I realized that somehow I wanted to stay friends with him. Not because I still have feelings for him, I know that I am passed that stage. I wanted to stay friends with him because I just wanted to be friends with him again, as simple as that. I am ready to clear our history, and have a friendship restart. Though I wanted to tell him everything I kept, but if he doesnt want that I will just hid it forever and forget.

But maybe, he doesn't need or want my friendship anymore. He talked to our common friend through fb, which means he read what I said, but no response, no nothing. 

I guess this time, we finally go back being a stranger. And this time, I can finally say that I tried to save it, and it's on his hand whether we will be friends again, or not.

Worst scenario maybe, is that we will be strangers with memory.