Some things never change

Loud laughter can be heard once the villa door was opened.
It’s actually a very private and silent place that even a droplet of water can be heard, so the noise created by a group of young people are magnified.
He counts the number of shoes arranged systematically on the shoe rack, which actually surprise him; and a smile immediately appears.
It’s the third year of their secret get together, and up until now he still pleased that every one ensure that they will attend this event.

He still remembers three years ago, Mini contacted her about her plan to have a get together party for Brown Sugar Macchiato cast and asking his help to gather the guys. He is hesitant at first since he knows that everyone is busy. They are good friends, yes but after Brown Sugar Macchiato, everyone takes a different road. Though most of them are still under Andy’s management, some of them leaves and find another house. He will admit that three years ago, he didn’t know the story behind every one, especially the side of the girls. He’s in doubt how will Mini will be able to gather everyone and how they will have a common two free days.

But here they are now, on a private villa away from the city. A place where no one can take a photo of them, create another crazy story and post it on a tabloid. Here they are fifteen young actors having a two ordinary day away from every one’s eye.

Before he cried of happiness, he neatly placed his shoes on the rack and made his way into the living room.

The living room table was moved to the side to give space to fifteen people, twelve of them are sitting comfortably where ever they wanted. Xiao Jie was the first to notice his arrival and immediately ask him to sit down beside him on the rug. Tong tong gave him his plate while the rest are busy eating and informing him that they bet what time he will be arrive. Xiao Yu even told him that Gui Gui told them that he will arrive after they all leave since he is already a grand father that makes everyone laugh.
Expect Gui Gui to say the craziest things.
Before he can even ask where their resident ghost is, a loud baby voice surrounded the living room. If he wouldn’t know better, he will assume that voice is almost identical to Ya Tou only a two notes lower.
The voice screams Wang Zi’s name and random things that no one can decipher since it was said abruptly. Though the sentences are gibberish since the kitchen is not that near, you can easily distinguished that it was said on a cute manner.

“and she still claimed she doesn’t have any baby voice’ A-Wei said while rolling his eyes that makes every one laugh.
“She does have a baby voice…. But it was only for Wangzi!” – Daya added, which increase the hearty laughters the group shared.
“Well somethings never changed” Xiao Xiu stated matter of factly while waiting for the two people who said will get some water.
“Yeah, some thing never change, like how Ao Quan is always the later person to arrive” Xiao Jie chimed in while looking at him with his playful smirk.

But he did agree, some things never change, but sometimes he wished.
Specially when it was something to do with Gui Gui and Wangzi, their resident in denial lovers.

I am not fond of hospitals.

Blame it on my early years experiences; but I think no one wanted to be in the hospital unless you are working there.

I always get the teary feelings whenever I will visit one. Especially when I can see different patients with different sickness. It makes me feel so sad that I don't know what to do.

Today, I spent my morning as our company Volunteer to gave medical supplies at Philippine General Hospital (PGH), a well known public hospital in our country. We also spend some time with the children admitted at ward 9 & 11.

PGH is a public hospital which bare from the elegant looking and excellent ventilated rooms at a private hospitals. A big part of the patients came from poor to middle class family mainly because it is much cheaper, and better than some of the private hospitals. 

While observing them, I find myself having a hard time talking because I just wanted to cry and wonder what emotional trauma those children and their parents are going through. I remember one child, her name was Angel, she was 4 years old and have a leukemia. When I heard her parents said those words, I wanted to bawl like crazy there. I am 21 years old, healthy and doing great, I can say that so far life has been great to me that I found so many essentials that other found when they were much older than me. I suddenly realized that if Angel wouldn't survive, she will missed a lot of good things and it was heartbreaking on the side of their parents.

I met another child name Timothy who were a year and have so many complications because of the sickness I can't remember the name. I am not sure if the blood on the tube is coming from the blood packet to transmit or its releasing from his fragile body. I talked to his dad and found that he is a real survivor, they thought that he will be gone the day before yesterday but his there fighting for his life. I suddenly want to hug the child and if I will have 9 lives, I'll definitely give one to him.

There are plenty more child with different sickness that I almost couldn't look into them without forcing myself so I would not give negative impressions to their parents. I couldn't look because I can't bear to see them in those conditions. They were children who should be playing around outside, experiencing a sunlight overdose and being as playful as they should be. But they are lying there and crying at every shot the nurse given to them. They are experiencing something I wouldn't ever wanted to go through.

I won't say that the experience change my point of view or something drastic happened to me. I expected those things because I've been joining social actions voluntary works and enjoying it. I've gained handful of life's treasures and magics that opened my mind and heart to see things simply and do what you could. Doing voluntary works after a long time is like relearning the things you have learned and experience again another self review. I know I am lucky, just being a normal being is a great luck. But since it's a known knowledge, we tend to forget it and store in our brain. Standing there are observing those kinds makes me understand again what being lucky is. They let me realized again that my purpose in life is more than what I could think of.

I really do wish that social events like those is a requirement for everyone. To let them know what the real meaning of life, how lucky they are and treasure the days and possessions they have.

I miss these events :) and I think I am up for the socio-cultural self improvement process that I love to do.

I do hope that one day, I could meet those children again and have the whole day talking to them.

I do wish they will all survive this stage in their life.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, 

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, 

When the funds are low and the debts are high, 

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, 

When care is pressing you down a bit, 

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns, 

As every one of us sometimes learns, 

And many a failure turns about, 

When he might have won had he stuck it out; 

Don't give up though the pace seems slow-- 

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than, 

It seems to a faint and faltering man, 

Often the struggler has given up, 

When he might have captured the victor's cup, 

And he learned too late when the night slipped down, 

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-- 

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, 

And you never can tell how close you are, 

It may be near when it seems so far, 

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-- 

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

Changes is inevitable.

It will never end; it is the only thing that will remain constant.

2012 is the year of changes for me, it could also be called as my awakening year.

There are so many things that I am thankful for (I'll save it for my yearly post) and so many things that has been changed.

One of the big changed was delivered to me last Tuesday. It was unexpected to say the least. I found it funny that every time something so big happened, my whole system is filled with anxiety instead of giddy happiness that you could see my poker nervous expression. I would really think that my team lead and team mate are wondering why I'm not as crazy as I am when I received good news from fandom.

After two years from my current role, I have now the opportunity to take a technical role. It won't be easy, especially for me who stop reading and analyzing codes for more than 3 years but I never expect it to be. Like what I always said before, hard work pays off and I can a new battle cry now, everything can be learned. 

I was afraid, I will not deny this fact. Afraid of so many what if's that's been dancing to my mind but I won't be able to surpass them if I wouldn't try right? I remember one quote from last year self searching, it goes with this, Fearless is not the absence of fear, it is being terrified but you decided to do it anyway.

This coming November, I know I will experience so many crazy and stressful days. I know I will be consume by this, but I am excited and afraid at the same time. There are no successful people who doesn't feel any failure or frustrations. Like what one of my favorite song says, There will always be rainbows after the rain. And for us to see a beautiful rainbow, we must surpass the crazy storm first.

Honestly, even I said this things to myself over and over again. My heart and mind cannot be ease. I actually talked to my friends within this week, and I really wanted to thank them.

My bestfriend said that I can do it, she said that I always push myself to the limits which is the reason why I keep on expanding.

My self declared kuya told me that I am a very talented person, that it would be a waste if I wouldn't use it. Actually I wanted to really thank him because he always pushed me to be better.

Another closed friend said that the Ellen he know is not a quitter. 

Another one said that I am the always Ms I can do it.

Hearing those words from them give me courage that what ever I do, I can do it because I've done it before and I can always do it if I just convince myself.

I've been paralyzed by what if's and fears for two years. It's up to me again if I wanted to continue  being my own prisoner. I am insecure, I know it. But I slowly realized that up to when am I going to be insecure? People who doesn't seek cure for their illness will forever be ill until they are consumed by it. I may not know what I wanted to do now, but I am certain that I do not want to look back years from now and see myself on the same place.

I am only 21, there are so many things that will happen if I only let myself experience this. I am the only one hindering myself to grow and I will not do it anymore. I realized lately that I should welcome change with open heart. It doesn't matter if the ride will be bumpy or crazy, because I know at the end of the day it's another experience, another life to my years.

I can do this! Whatever it is, Ellen will not give up :)

AJA! FIGHTING!

I think this crazy picture of mine is perfect for this melo-dramatic entry.

I will end my night with this post from my ever lovely Multiply site, but I will answer this again today ;P 
All fonts in Blue are the current answers :p


1. I’ve come to realize that…
> — Life is really complicated
>- Life just begin in College. It will get more complicated as you grow older since other life's critical issues are saying their hello's to you. It will get frustrating, a bit sad and you will fall again and again. But you need to say stand up, smile and fight again, because Papa God is always there for you.

> 2. I am listening to…
> — my prof
> - Snoring of my little sister and my electric fan

> 3. Maybe I should…
> — REST! and take a vacation
> - Do something productive like coding or sleeping.

> 4. I love…
> — God, Myself, Myfriends and Myfamily
> - God, My Family, My friends who become family, and myself :)

> 5. The best days of my life was…
> — the time when i become the ellen that I am
> - When I slowly coming back to Papa God's loving arms.

> 6. I don’t understand…
> — somet things and some feelings
> - Why I need to think about lot's of things 

> 7. I’ve lost…
> — something that is wonderful
> - Opportunities that I cannot retrieve, but I will ensure to find more

> 8. People say…
> — things that they dont really mean most of the time
> - Things that they don't really mean most of the time.

> 9. The meaning of my screen name is…
> — Childish
> - I now used my second name :) 

> 10. Love…
> — Love is a noun not a verb - according to jona
> - Love is a gift that you received everyday. 

> 11. Somewhere, someone is…
> — meant for me
> - excited to meet me haha. I can dream right?

> 13. Forever seems….
> — too fancy
> - too fancy

> 14. I never want to…
> — lost the people who i value most
> - be afraid anymore.

15. My mobile phone is/are…
> — a phone
> - a phone?

16. I believe that…
> — life doesn't revolve around me
> - You can get better with God

17. I get annoyed when…
> — i am stressed out..haha
> - I am under stressed and tons of pressures. 

> 18. I am better…
> — now
> -  Now :) 

> 19. I fear that…
> — someday, everyone will hate me
> - I won't be able to obey God's plans for me

> 20. Kisses are the best when…
> — you closed your eyes and you do it with the person meant for you
> - you feel it?

> 21. Today I…
> — will do something important
> - will be productive! One step towards my goal! Yeahaaa!

22. Tonight I will…
> — have no sleep again?
> - Sleep :)

23. Tomorrow I will…
> — go to class
> - go to work.

24. I really want to…
> — finished all my requirements , have a rest with my fam and barkada, fall and love and grow
> - finished my code task TT

Another literary piece from my Multiply blog :) 
I posted this last October 19, 2009.
Here's my short Author's note back then:

A/N: I finished it the day before yesterday pero nitatamad ako magpost. ngaun ko lang naisip! ahha, kung may nilalang na binasa to at tatanungin ako bakit ko to naisip, ang sagot ko: "hindi ko din alam, basta nakatunganga lang ako at naisip ko magsulat ng nakakalungkot :))" At kung naisip nyong itanong bakit arthur, ang sagot ko: "Aba, pumasok lang sa isip ko ang Arthur's theme! haha" 

She can’t express what she feel while looking at the old familiar scene. The river is near to her. The grasses are still that high and dancing as Mr. Wind gave some blow. The sunset and sunrise are still nice to watch on this place. The changes aren’t that much. Her secret hideout is still a secret after all. A wide grin plastered on her face when her eyes landed on a familiar bench and a tree, after all that’s the reason why she’s here.

“Hey Arthur, it’s been a while.“She said before sitting on a bench in front of her.

“Sorry if I didn’t visit you for the past years. I went to the city to earn a degree in a nice university, and became very busy after a while. The city is so big and they are full of lights! There are plenty of people as well! If only I can take you there, I would! But we both know that I can’t pull you off and put you on my trunk. “She chuckled at her own crazy idea

“Arthur, isn’t my dress so lovely? Mr. Wind loves it! See! He keeps dancing with the hem of my gown.” She said childishly

“I have something to tell you. I’m at a wedding exactly 2 hours ago. It is so fabulous! It’s a garden wedding and it’s being surrounded with flowers while the butterflies are freely roaming around. The harp, violin and the grand piano are creating a heavenly music.” She closed her eyes and a small smile form on her pouty lip.

“My parents, close friends and other significant people whom I know are in there too. Arthur, do you still remember the guy I used to tell you way back then? Yeah! That guy, my best friend which happened to be my dream guy. He is at the wedding too! He is so handsome wearing a suit. He even kissed me on the cheek before holding my hands”
She said in a dreamy voice before a tear drops on her face.

“I should be happy right now, I shouldn’t cry. I’ve been in my dream wedding with the guy I dream of as a groom. I should be happy with that, its all perfect…” Tears are now flowing on her face like it was raining.

“But the thing is, I am not my sister.. His bride…” She said bitterly while letting herself cry her heart out. She’s tired of holding back this tear. She’s tired of hiding her broken heart with a set of her million dollar smile. She’s so tired… for the past two hours, she acts as if everything is alright while she’s dying inside. She let herself cry a river for him again, on the same place with the same tree who only knew what’s inside of her.

Wrote this around 2010, when everything seems so blurry. I just retrieve it from my Multiply post which dated January, 19, 2010.

There is a path i know
they say its different from everyone
so i guess mine's is different from yours,

I cant say its straight,
i cant say its curve,
I cant see a patern,
its crazy but looks funny,

i look behind and saw some marks,
i even saw small bridges,
that's connected to another path,
but it looks like forgotten from the past.

i look ahead but the path seem to end where i stand,
its scary and funny at the same time,
its scary to see the end in front of me,
its funny because excitement fills me.

I took some baby steps,
trying to figure out its mystery,
i feel amaze on how every step i make,
this path continues to follow me.